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Sunday, July 15, 2012

Not Accepting Everything

So I am almost to the point of looking for a position that more fits my training.  My concern is I could be a bit delusional that I can still produce the same quality of work as pre-stroke. I just don't know.  I know when I started my garden job that absolute crazy feeling in my head when my boss gave me run on instructions as in : Do This, Do That, Move This, Look for This, etc etc.  I could feel my brain actually scrambling and freezing and locking... it did not know (or that part of my brain is "gone") where to put a series of quick instructions-- so it would just go blank and not remember any of them.  My short term storage has been impacted, and it feels as though it has been misplaced.   It is very wierd being in my head when it is missing something.  You ever have that?  It's like there is some sort of memory of what was, what I could do, but there is no way to touch it. I have a memory of being very competent and accomplished, but I feel kinda bumbling and floaty sometimes.  I also cannot trust my "gut" as much, as I have discovered errors in my instincts--and I am a very "gut instinct" person!    With work over 3 months my memory has changed & improved so that I actually can remember a string of instructions (at least the first 3 or 4).   Last week I made a appointment with an occupational/speech therapist to work on memory.  I also notice the muscles on the left side of my body have a different consistency than others.  They are always very flaccid-loose-relaxed as if I just had a year long massage and they are jelly.   I am not really complaining, just noticing.  Pre-stroke I always loved learning new things, and new ways to see things.  I thank the lovely heavens that my  appreciation of the diverse ways we can navigate through a life is not diminished.

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