I don't know if this is a form of submission (which I am not very good at) but there have been some medical things of late that I realize I am much calmer about. Hospital visits, TIA's, more tests... it is just one big continuum of my life, and may change how I navigate it. More crucially, how I envision my future. There has always been a vision for the rest of my life: farm, animals, watching the kids go off and lead their own lives, working. The hardest thing right after the stroke was the threat of loss. First and foremost the kids, but then the lifestyle and freedom. After a year that frantic fear of loss is calmer. It is not gone, but holy crap there is not alot about this that is within my control --and it never has been. So I will mosey along down my life trail, try not to get too grumpy at the kids, try to be generous with myself. Sometimes I think the stroke is not such a bad thing... since I do not push myself as I once did. I cannot pile on a monster to-do list that keeps me going from morning 'til after dinner. I am better at low key, I have limits, I can say no. I think the stroke gave me the ability to accept limitations. And also, since I had one, it is not like I have a choice of preference of stroke or no stroke. For my mental health, I can look at what doors it has opened rather than the ones it has shut-- that is not always an easy thing for me to embrace-- but it is, for me, very important.
On a funny note. I took an online medical test on the chances of stroke for my age, health, activity level. (without previously having the stroke) It was 2%. I was laughing with my daughter that it figures, I always have to do opposite of what everyone else does. If 98% of the people are not going to have a stroke, then dangit, I was going to be one of the 2%! OK, not really funny, but I am still trying to make sense of something nonsensical.