Annual Check on Brain

I had my annual review of "what is going on in my head".  This entails getting a MRI, and then comparing it to the previous year.  Boy, you get to a certain age the annual visits for mammograms, gynecology forays, dentists and throw in neurologist for the heck of it visits take up time, and money.
My meningioma was treated by gamma knife December of 2011.  I don't recommend this treatment NOW, now that I know the end result, but I was not fully operating at full awareness and felt the pressure to do something. Something to retard the tumor growth going on in my head. And, for the record, the tumor and stroke are unrelated.  I was aiming for balance, since both are on opposite sides of my head.  Just kidding on this, but really, when you get hit with a tumor and stroke, can you do much more than laugh or cry or yell? I did the other stuff, and ended up with the laughter. Reminds me not to take myself to seriously.

Gamma knife is an intense laser pinpointed at the tumor from many different angles.  The downside, which happened in my head, is that it can destroy good tissue along with the tumor.  Not fully explained to me at the time, but there it is.  My somewhat egotistical, loves the sound of his voice neurosurgeon did not really want to address what my great stroke neurologist pointed out in a visit to his office... that my brain stem got zapped.  My scans were taken to a neurology review board (because I am medically interesting) (I would prefer to be medically boring but that option is no more) another doc noticed "a shadow" on my brain stem next to the tumor... that might be due to it being hit by the laser.  I was upset and pissed for about two days, then let go.
Next, my regular doc ran blood work, the results which he said "woke him up in the night"... since they made no sense.  (Welcome to my world.)  What he is thinking, is this is tumor related.  A part of my brain got zapped and is dropping my blood serum sugar to danger levels. I feel fine at this point, so no worries yet.

My partner asked me how I was doing about this news and I lied to him and told him that compared to a stroke, having my pituitary go haywire is nothing. That was an untruth. There is a part of me angry, frustrated and my favorite... afraid (that is heavy sarcasm). I am thinking I have quite enough of this shit.  BUT that does not really matter, because it is a life, it is my life, and it is on my plate. There are no other roads I get to travel down, the only control I have is how I look at it, my attitude.
Time and time again this medical stuff has reminded me, brutally, bluntly, painfully, how not in control of things I am. Yes, technically there was another procedure that did not have this side effect.  But that was not the knowledge I had available to me, not the decision I made.  So, I live with this right now.  A brain stem is crucial to life, the breathing, heart beating side of it all.  But I get to choose what kind of life to lead.  It doesn't always feel like a choice, but it is.   And so, so cheesy but true: I am so happy to be living this life. I feel a deep joy... and thankfulness.

Tumor update

Tumor: I am due to go into the doc for a follow-up on how the radiation went. That it stopped the tumor growth, slowed, or not. I have since read that the dye they use in the MRI is not so good for you. Sigh.
Meds: Switched statin medicines. Just heard the news report about significant memory loss when patients are on statins. Also moved taking my blood pressure pill to the eve - and 85% of my dizziness is gone. I am getting frustrated with realizing my (tumor? stroke?) symptoms are sometimes just the medicine.
Health: Joined the YMCA. This is the hardest thing for me, since my heart starts 'thumping' at night hours after I exercise, hopefully it will even out.
I have to have faith that my body will reach, is trying to reach an equilibrium. That there was a reason I did not eat fat, sugar, sodium for 2 months after the stroke... my body needed to clean something out. (I would not voluntarily eat like that pre-stroke!)
Same with exercise. I need to build stamina, and there may be some issues at first, but I remember these drugs I hate being on are actually there for a reason.

Gamma knife procedure radiation - details

I should have said this surgery I am having is the lowest risk surgery you can have.  And there is the chance that it will totally killing the tumor.  I chickened out on the whole cutting my head open and physically taking it out -- there are risks associated with that -- and am doing the concentrated radiation directly at the tumor.  They can still go in at a later date if it continues growing and take it out. I have had enough inside the head trauma for one year.  
The day surgery was from 7:15 to 2pm.  I had three doctors and a nurse.  First the nurse checked me in, had me sign off on paperwork, and put the iv in place.
The doctor came in late... around 8:20 to put on the head frame.  This was the most ridiculously painful part of the whole day... and only because of the shots which was lidocaine under my scalp in four areas.  And then they basically screwed four nails into my scalp.  You really don't want your head moving in any way for maximum accuracy of the radiation.  I didn't want my head moving either (!), so didn't really have a problem with it.
Then I was off to the MRI machine for an up-to-the-minute scan of my tumor, then another hour wait while the physicist and neuro radiosurgeon came up with a specific plan for my tumor.  Then my neurosurgeon came down again to approve the plan and I was whisked into the radiation room.  They locked my head piece into the machine, and my body was on a floating table.  I would think this would be a challenge for large or individuals with a neck injury, since your head is slowly moved in and out of the machine, as the radiation machine adjusts around your head.  It's like your head is being pulled slowly around by four pins in your skull, and your body follows.  I could feel my spine compress and then elongate as I was pulled in and out.  The key is it was all done so slowly, no jerking.  The loudest point was when my headpiece snapped into place after every adjustment of the laser,  probably a dozen times.  I brought a couple cd's which were a lifesaver, I could get lost in the music while in the machine, it was all very zen.  Probably the drugs, but I liked being in there, it was quiet, and easy to transport mentally to quiet spots.  Now that I reread this, I definitely think it is the drugs!
You cannot be claustrophobic in any way, you are put in something that looks like a box about 6 inches from your face.  Everyone is out of the room due to the radiation, and each session was 4 to 16 minutes long.  At the end of each session, there was a three tone pattern that let me know I was getting another adjustment. The room and machine are wired so I just needed to clear my throat and they would talk to me.  For me, the procedure was an hour and a half.  They can be 15 minutes to three hours, so I was average. 
At one point, the pain from the pin at the back of my head was excruciating, I told them in the middle of a zapping, and they stopped the machine and administer pain medication.  That was a bit too strong for me... my head was spinning, the room doubled up, and I felt like my brain was separating from my body.  I wouldn't let me put me back in the machine until my body calmed down and adjusted to the medicine.  One thing though, my pain was gone!  Then I got nauseous from the medicine, and they had to administer an anti-nausea medicine.
When I was done, I had to lay around and let my stomach settle.  I ate a couple crackers and that seemed to help. 
My friend who drove me was able to stay through the whole thing, and when things got painful she was there.  At one point she even flashed the neurosurgeon a dirty look when he talked about a time someone put on the head brace wrong and their brain stem was zapped instead of the tumor. NOT what you should be talking about before a patient does a surgery on a tumor touching the brain stem.
When done, I was back at the hotel, walked through the lobby to my room.  No nausea, no dizziness.
The tumor had its DNA scrambled and will now slowly die over the next 3-6 months. It will not disappear, but turn to scar tissue. I will get an MRI then to see what the result is. 
I am glad it is over, and going to enjoy Christmas, my family and friends very much this year.

Tumor Radiation Therapy

My tumor is a meningioma.  Attached to the lining of my brain, but not the brain itself.  It is a large grape size, and pressed tightly against my brain stem with my hearing and balance nerves running near it. 
That is the risk of the Gamma Knife surgery, that those nerves will be harmed.  I am at the point of not being able to take in information.  I feel this is a major fail on my part- the woman who does research on the best toenail clippers of 2011-- and I can't even research this surgery beyond the cursory.   I am going to trust my doctors.  They have no idea what a big deal that is for me.
I have all my xmas shopping done, the tree up.  Today and tomorrow are for cleaning the house and putting the lights up outside. The next day is surgery prep and surgery.  I am going with the "I will be fine" tagline. 
My therapist recommended I write notes to each of my kids in case something happens.  You have no idea how that made me cry, but she was right.  Since I am a major procrastinator the tendency is to obviously put it off, but I cannot. I wrote little notes, but really, how can you write something as if you will never say it again?  I know I was missing crucial parts but I guess it is what it is.
I also started going to a mindfulness therapist- which is meditation- my favorite part about that is when she starts talking calmly her small fluffy dog sacks out next to her and starts snoring.  Her skills even work on dogs. 
The gamma knife will kill the tumor, turn it into scar tissue.  If it is fast growing it will come back.  If it is malignant (very small small chance) it will come back.  But there is a high probability it will stop it altogether.
Strangely enough, I am in a happy place right now.  My stroke effects are minimal other than memory and odd left side awareness issues.  I have people coming out of the woodwork to support my family,  and this stubborn independent woman is learning to graciously receive help as it is offered.