Working again.

So I got a job.
I was not necessarily looking for one, saw this position pass by on craigslist, and sent in a resume.  I am loving it, I forgot how much I love working.  I completely have a different perspective on working, it is not the be all- end all work my life away career... it is the wow, I am really happy to be doing this!
My son is growing up, my daughter is slowly making her way through life.  I have tumbled headfirst into a crazy wonderful relationship.  The fog has lifted on my thinking, and almost three years later, I can still tell I am improving everyday.  Don't buy the BS that your healing has to happen all up front. I am still building brain processes.  Sometimes I do too much. And the exhaustion is mind-numbing. But I can handle it.  I am loving breathing.

We are toying with the idea of living in Europe for a year. Maybe my daughter, most likely my partner, too.  Sometimes, when I think that "I can't", because that is irresponsible. That is not feasible.
Then I think that in so many ways I am so lucky, and I have been warned loudly by my body twice I am not going to be here forever. And so then what comes to mind is : why on earth not?

Oh. There is one thing I forgot. MONEY. But that is why it is a dream. A possibility.  Somehow.

Job

I have started looking for work.  There is an enormous amount of fear (I swear I have used this word more in the last six months than in my whole life) that I will just keel over if I begin working and work the way I always did. Which is hard, long, focused... a bit of perfectionism thrown in. Like my post-stroke body with the head tumor hanging around for kicks will up and quit if I strain it in any way. It is hard to explain what it is like in my head, since I am not toppling over when walking.  Or have very visible signs of the stroke and tumor. But that it feels like I am leaning or will topple. Like my hand still drops things, my awareness of things to the left of me is altered, or that I still stumble and ache on my left side.  Of course, I don't talk of this... my kids freak out, and they don't need the worry. 
 Since I am still argumentative it is assumed all is peachy keen... but I can tell it is not.  So the fear.  I guess I will apply for jobs and see what happens.  This is, after all, a life.   A messy, unpredictable, loving, worrying, laughing, angry, tilting, joyful life.  Did I tell you I am taking a free meditation course on Bainbridge Island?  I will talk of that next time, we will see what sort of calm it can bring, hopefully LOTS.

Best, Andrea