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Sunday, February 12, 2012


I have started looking for work.  There is an enormous amount of fear (I swear I have used this word more in the last six months than in my whole life) that I will just keel over if I begin working and work the way I always did. Which is hard, long, focused... a bit of perfectionism thrown in. Like my post-stroke body with the head tumor hanging around for kicks will up and quit if I strain it in any way. It is hard to explain what it is like in my head, since I am not toppling over when walking.  Or have very visible signs of the stroke and tumor. But that it feels like I am leaning or will topple. Like my hand still drops things, my awareness of things to the left of me is altered, or that I still stumble and ache on my left side.  Of course, I don't talk of this... my kids freak out, and they don't need the worry. 
 Since I am still argumentative it is assumed all is peachy keen... but I can tell it is not.  So the fear.  I guess I will apply for jobs and see what happens.  This is, after all, a life.   A messy, unpredictable, loving, worrying, laughing, angry, tilting, joyful life.  Did I tell you I am taking a free meditation course on Bainbridge Island?  I will talk of that next time, we will see what sort of calm it can bring, hopefully LOTS.

Best, Andrea


  1. I am interested to hear about your job search. I have a lot of support (job rehabilitation program) and I hope to get a job someday. I am on the argumentative side too. lol

    I have gotten a lot out of the mindful meditation group I attended. I use a meditation tape to help me when I am really stressed and I would like to get involved in a group again.

    1. Linda,
      I have a meditation tape I am (supposed to) listen to, which I don't always. The group is "loose"- volunteer run, 2-6 participants. And helpful! I'll keep you posted on this job stuff.