I have started looking for work. There is an enormous amount of fear (I swear I have used this word more in the last six months than in my whole life) that I will just keel over if I begin working and work the way I always did. Which is hard, long, focused... a bit of perfectionism thrown in. Like my post-stroke body with the head tumor hanging around for kicks will up and quit if I strain it in any way. It is hard to explain what it is like in my head, since I am not toppling over when walking. Or have very visible signs of the stroke and tumor. But that it feels like I am leaning or will topple. Like my hand still drops things, my awareness of things to the left of me is altered, or that I still stumble and ache on my left side. Of course, I don't talk of this... my kids freak out, and they don't need the worry.
Since I am still argumentative it is assumed all is peachy keen... but I can tell it is not. So the fear. I guess I will apply for jobs and see what happens. This is, after all, a life. A messy, unpredictable, loving, worrying, laughing, angry, tilting, joyful life. Did I tell you I am taking a free meditation course on Bainbridge Island? I will talk of that next time, we will see what sort of calm it can bring, hopefully LOTS.