The reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

When people hear stroke, they hear brain damage, and they hear mentally deficit, or physically infirm. And shorter life, and ill health.  I am getting tired of the assumptions made about my "condition. "  The first six months I was telling complete strangers I had a stroke. It was like I needed them to be as astounded as I was. I realize that there is a huge mental block that most people have comprehending that. And I see a lot of fear in them, as I have fear. I feel like a recovering alcoholic "one day at a time" because that is the only way I have found to embrace that fear. Very slowly. Every day I am alive and in my body is a step toward acceptance. I have learned not to tell people about the stroke because they have no where to go with that information. I still have to figure out where to go with that information. Here is a couple tales of what happens when I do tell.

Firstly, I met a former board member for lunch and told her that I had a stroke after her personal tale of a major car accident. When I met a different board member that I had a working rapport with a week later- he gave me a hug just a tad too long - and quizzed me mercilessly about "what changes have occurred in my outlook on life" "what was my love life like" "how were the kids handling my illness" and all sorts of strange uncomfortable queries.  These were board members that I got along well with at work, but they did not know my private life story.  When working, I don't tell people personal stuff because it is work : my livelihood, my professional career. 
He then went on to say they were talking, and understood what changes were happening with me because a mom - in her 80's- had a stroke on the same side of the brain.  And that they understood my ability to think was affected., because her ability to think was affected. I then got a call from him a couple days later to tell me of a volunteer who spoke glowingly of me... And how I needed to realize what a difference I had made to so many people. Does that sound like eulogy material to you?
Second, I have a dear friend that handled my stroke like this:  she mentioned that she would like all of us to go on a trip together "because she doesn't know how long I will be able to do such things. "


I am still here and talking at my kids about their homework (I purposely say at because they don't necessarily listen), taking the horses for a walk, getting the garden queued up, negotiating with doctors, working on my house (always the house... )  Yes, I basically had a big "STOP" put on my life while everything shifted into understanding a new concept of what my life is -- that it is finite and so fragile. I would not be called a fragile person normally, but now get to add that to my repertoire. I am nothing if not adaptable, even if taken there against my will.

Compadres

We went up to Friday Harbor this weekend for a big pig BBQ.  Three people turned 60 this year, and there was a party, farm style.  Big tables laden with food, lots of LOTS of people, a couple kegs, boxed wine and lemonade.  This used to be my hometown, and why I moved the kids to Poulsbo... I thought it would be like growing up in Friday Harbor.  Alas, nothing is like the 70's and 80's on a seventeen mile long island in NW Washington! 


Courtesy Washington Land and Homes

A fellow I have known my since I was 5 walked up to me and said that we should talk.  He is a member of my honorary extended family but he and I never had much to talk of. Now we do. He said he had a hemorrhagic stroke 6 years ago. From there it went winding down that stroke story path. There are conversations I have had that go on between us stroke survivors that immediately go to the serious, open-hearted and supportive.  A comraderie that happens that you can only understand if you have had a stroke.  We know that we may be changed, and have different skills and abilities, but we are still ourselves.  We all faced that wall of fear, of undoing, and rebuilding.  The conversations that I have had remind me that we go to a horrible, horrible place and then we navigate how to live our lives beyond it.  Thanks, Kim.

Friends who can deal with illness, and those who can't

It has been somewhat of a shock for me to see how my friends handle my newfound medical challenges.  I have to say, I would have been a friend that didn't know what to do and became all awkward had one of them gotten sick first.  Maybe that is a lesson for me, I now am so much more amenable to calmly facing body calamity in others.  I can comfortably say that before when confronted with life threatening illness in others I did not know what to do and frequently overthought what I should do, what I could do for someone.  Now I just know to be there. To check in. Call. And listen.   It is funny the people I thought would be there through thick and thin are not, and others materialized from acquaintances into strong allies.  I am not grumpy to lose my  friends through this, I am just glad others stepped into the void. I didn't really lose them, they just are not there firmly in place as before.  They are there in recognition that they should be as a friend, but not there because they want to be.   And truth be told, I miss them.  You realize the role you play in any relationship if you cannot hold up your end of the traditional friendship for a while and the whole thing changes.  Everyone is left a bit adrift... since you have to redefine what it is you do for each other.  The problem with being competent is when you are not. 
This is more just a wistful meandering thought, not a written in stone treatise.  My friends are still present and accounted for and if I threw a hissy fit would be there for me in a minute.   I just don't have the energy or temperament right now for one of those.