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Thursday, April 19, 2012


Pic: Bainbridge ferry in the rain.
When I get frustrated because of dizziness or brain ineptitude.... sometimes I remember directly post-stroke how I tilted when I walked and how I would bonk into doors on my left side (or whatever I was walking near), how I would have to pause to speak waiting for the words to sort out in my brain, how tired I was with muscles spasming in my legs.
I am learning to live with this episode in my life.
To give myself space and time to be this person I am today. I am realizing I was (am) an adrenaline junkie. I operated at work this way... fueling off of deadlines and coffee, sugar and straight shots of espresso. I miss that thrill, that addiction to a warm cup of brown stuff, but am willing to forgo that rush of energy for longterm health. Now I realize that crazy burst of energy I get from coffee puts my body in heart pumping irregularities NOT WORTH IT. That coupled with peri-menopause heart irregularities make me rethink my whole way of operating under stress. I had become very good at using my determination and caffeine to push my body into accomplishing tons of things. Without coffee, I now have to listen to my system say : Enough, we are done for the day -- even when my to-do list is not done.

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