Statins - again.

I returned to taking a daily dose of statins.  It started slow- my internist wanted me on them, even if it was once a week. My neurologist wanted me on them. Both extolled its virtues endlessly.    I slowly, over the course of 6 months, went on a daily dose again.  

Thing is, I almost checked myself into the ER last week because I was losing it verbally.  I could not recall simple words. People's names.  Every once in a while I could not finish a sentence without slurring. My boss started noticing. Spell simple words like "quiet". Then I remembered. (Which is a big deal!)

It is the damn statin. Went off of it a week ago and it all came back. That is a scary drug for me if I need to work and be a modicum of clever. It takes my verbal abilities far, far, away.  Luckily they were still there in my brain. A double-edged sword...supposed to be on it for stroke risk prevention, but I can't if I am to perform in a work setting.  I know this does not effect people the same way, and I wish I had mellower side effects. It is a dance we do.  Survival chances, health risks, life choices...prescription drugs. 

Waiting, or not.

Do you feel like you are getting "better"? Are the people around you patient? Are you patient? Do you remember when you travelled down the road unaware of what a stroke can really do?  Do you remember when strokes are what you have when you are quite mature in age, perhaps living in assisted living? Do you have a very different fear added to your emotional repertoire that you feel has been forced upon you? Do you have a view of what makes a life, and how you wish to enter death?

Some days I have a pot of roiling questions twisting through my brain.  I think they are actually always there in the background, I just don't recognize how they may change my approach to things.
I have mentioned before, I will say it again, my trust relationship with my body is sorely compromised. I spend a lot of time weighing, rationalizing, arguing, accepting, promising and planning.  I know nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed. Except that I am here.  There can be no waiting for me in this life anymore.  Technically this is true for everyone, I feel like we have just had a bit louder reminder of our finiteness.    I know that, but I also forget.
How about you?